I was doing a lot of extra work when I was working as a consultant for certain mental health agencies, and I didn’t feel I was getting the right amount of appreciation for my efforts (any at all). I’d look around and see there were lots of people who’d put in extra work, go that extra mile for no reason other than because they cared about doing a good job, but they wouldn’t be appreciated either.
There’s plenty of rubbish workers out there who manage to combine taking the piss with an ability to write their own PR – bullshitters is the correct term. You see them every year on The Apprentice. I’m sure you’ve got (at least) one in your workplace.
I also had a mega crap girlfriend (the mega crap girlfriend, the one who I always mention as being crap because compared to her nobody could come close to being that bad) and I still wish I could clear her out of my throat, but like any bad decision or regret, you’ll remember. I actually think she’d fit in perfectly on The Apprentice too. That should’ve been my warning.
Been dreaming bout chocolate
Been dreaming bout chocolate
But I’m always drowned in it
Same as your sugary sweet promises
I just end up being sick
Been trying my hardest
To clear you out my throat
You’re too sticky stuck to get rid of
But it’s all too much
It’s all too much for me
You’re a Kit Kat
I prefer Galaxy
(x2)
Been trying her hardest
But the lights go off at work
She’s the last to leave the office
For a job she should’ve shirked
The bossed in her office
Don’t notice her efforts
She climbs in her lonely bed crying
Oh it’s all too much
It’s all too much for me
I’m a Kit Kat
You prefer Galaxy
(x2)
(bridge)
Oh it’s all too much
It’s all too much for me
I’m a Kit Kat
You prefer Galaxy
(x2)
You’re a Kit Kat
I prefer Galaxy
(x2)
(coda)
C C/bassB Am Am7 Am
F F/bassE Dm
G Am F Dm
C Gm F Fsus4 F
Dm Bb Eb
Bridge C C/bassB Am Am7 Am F Dm
coda C C/bassB
I got some work at Borders over the Christmas period. Everyone seems to think I’m ten years younger than I am, which is nice and frustrating all at once. The implication is that you reach 30 and you’re old. As if you’re a pensioner withering away your life surrounded by vibrant and virile 20-somethings wondering what the fuck the internet is, and having forgotten your own name, and what sex is like (I’ve actually almost forgotten what sex is like) while stinking of piss and having jowls so floppy and wrinkled that you resemble a boxer dog that’s been used as a mop.
Anyway, I’ve also been acting like someone ten years younger than me, burning the candle at both ends. I’ve spent days away from home at a time, partying and watching gigs. It’s taken a toll on my sleep and alone time. Which is why I’ve not been able to keep up this stupid song-a-day thing I said I’d do.
Regardless, here is an old demo I found on a mini disk. I imagine it’s being sung by someone wearing a blazer and a boater, slightly public school.
Lily
Lily,
please don’t pass me by
I’ve been
Lonely,
How can I survive but
I’m still waiting but you won’t change your mind.
Lily,
Stay with me tonight
I’ve been
Dreaming,
It’ll be alright but
I’m still hoping but you won’t change your mind
Say you don’t love me and I
Say I still care
You’re floating away
I can’t reach you
Lily,
Who has passed me by
I still
Think about you and the riverside
But
I’m still hoping that you won’t pass me by
Say I still love you and you
Say you don’t care
You’re walking away from me
You’re killing me he hee
Say I still love you and you
Say you don’t care
You’re walking away from me
You’re killing me he hee
You’re killing me he hee
Fmaj7 Em D7 G
Fmaj7 Em D7 G
F C9 Dm G#
G Cm G Cm G Cm G Gsus4 G
There’s not much to say here, except, we love you Jackie!
Jackie Chan
Jackie Chan
He’s so fast
He’s a master of
Wing Chung Kung Fu, Karate
Judo, Kendo and Thai Boxing
Nin Jitsu’s his second language
Ba ba ba ba
Ba baba ba!
Sammo Hung
Jackie’s mate
He’s a fatso
But he still runs after the evil henchmen
Through the crowded streets of Hong Kong
Meating out his martial justice
Perhaps it’s easily forgotten, but all these acoustic demos I’ve been sticking on here are just that – most of them are done literally minutes after I’ve written the song, or even contribute towards the final version.
Of course, I’m saying this because they’re shittier than I’d like, and one way they’re shitty is that they’re full of mistakes. But that’s because I am new to the song.
This recording is full of mistakes, but I really like playing this song. The low notes are easy on my throat and have a pleasant hum to them when I’m singing them. You’ll get the gist of what the song is about if you’ve ever been horny and you’re girlfriend’s around, and you realise that she’s just getting on with the usual things in life while you’re plotting your next move towards sex. But then you come to realise that this very plotting will just annoy her and take you further away from it, so you try to bottle it up, but this is frustrating, and if your efforts aren’t rewarded then you feel a bit of mug.
It’s very selfish, but that’s the way it is. It can be a pity having balls strapped to your body pumping you full of testosterone while the object of your lust is only thinking about tidying up or lunch, or shoes, when they could spend a little bit of time helping you out of your plight. We all have our cross to bear.
This was one of the four songs I played at the Doghouse a couple of weeks back. It didn’t go well because of the low notes and the ridiculously low-tuned guitar I borrowed (aside from my nerves), but I’ll play it again in future. There are extra lyrics as they’re draft lyrics for a 3rd verse that I never added.
I wouldn’t mind
She’s been sitting too long in my lounge
In front of TV
Square eyes, round thighs
Preying on my mind
I’ve got to get out
Stretch legs fresh air gaddabout
I wouldn’t mind
But the sunshine and your skin
Remind me of him
Wasn’t there a better way
Wasn’t there a better day than this
Oh ho
Quick glance, walk past
Trying not be spied looking at jugs
I just wanted a solitary moment in the park
But the sunbathers gather around
I wouldn’t mind
But the sunshine and your skin
Remind me of him
Wasn’t there a better way
Wasn’t there a better day than this
Oh ho
—-
Darren’s playing Galaxians without
Knowing the keys
He’s been stranded without the internet
—-
G D G D
Cm B Bb D
Em D Em D C
Am Em Am Am Dsus2 D G G/F#bass G G/F#bass
This was inspired by the episode of Monk where Willie Nelson is a supect, and Monk gets to play clarinet with him at the end. There’s no clarinet in this arrangement, but there is a satisfying bit of mouth trumpet at the end.
I know you wouldn’t piss on me
I know you wouldn’t spit on me
If I was on fire
But I know
Nothing can hurt me
As much as your lies did
Give me a jellyfish sting
Or gangrene
Or blindness
But I know
Nothing can hurt me
Like your lies did
I know you wouldn’t piss on me
If I was on fire
But you did it
All over my pride
With your lies
I finally did some recording tonight, but I’m not finished with that, so in the meantime another old demo. Can’t quite remember quite when or why I wrote this (the recording says 18 Aug 2006, but I had it for a long time before that), but I stand by the sentiment.
All I ever wanted was to have a good time
But then, my testicles dropped between my legs
But I
Know I’ll be alright
I know I’ll be ok (x2)
All I said was I want to see what’s between your legs
She replied but I’m sure that she’s got Tourettes
I did say a song a day, and even though technically it’s past midnight, it’s still today to me, so this counts Especially as I’ve been running around for days and tomorrow will be the first day in ages where I don’t have to be anywhere, I’ve got no one to distract me, and I’m not hungover or lacking sleep.
Tonight I went out to see Kid Canaveral[1] at the Westport Bar with my friend Janine. They were good and I’d definitely like to see them again. Reminded me of late 80’s/early 90’s East coast U.S. indie, but with a Scottish accent. Their drummer was particularly impressive (I’m always impressed by a good drummer), and my general observation of bands I like and bands I’ve been in is that if you have a good drummer then you can be totally crap in every other area but you’ll still be 6/10. Pity there are so few good drummers about.
The song below was written in 1998. It was partly inspired by a girl I worked with called Lucy, who is one of the three women I’ve ever known to “slow down time” when I speak to them. I don’t know why it happens or the mechanism, but when I met her the first time and shook her hand, time just felt weird for a moment, as if time was strobing.
Luckily for her, I decided against going out with her because I was such a mess back then. It always pains me slightly to think about it, as I obviously missed out, but it was the right thing to do. As Dumbledore says, sometimes we have to choose between what is right and what is easy.
Anyway, the song is not about her really. Sometimes a word here or a thought there inspires a song, but the song isn’t about the word or the thought. It was also inspired by a line from the Camomile Lawn[2] where Oliver (Toby Stephens[3][4]) says to Calypso “Lets go back to Half Moon Street for a sex shock”. That stuck in my mind, as Channel4 used to use it in their ad campaign for the series.
I went to see Toby Stephens play opposite Dervla Kirwan[5][6] in Betrayal[7] at the Donmar[8] a couple of years ago. My girlfriend of the time sat there poking me in the arm every time there was something about him cheating on her, which is funny because it was around that time she was cheating on me. Yep, she’s a bitch. Ironically, I think my mate Chris may have bought the tickets for me for my birthday. Nice one Chris Heh heh, he’ll enjoy that dig.
So tomorrow I hope to do a bit of ‘proper’ recording, write a letter, and pick up something from the post office, and finally do some yoga. Should be a good day.
Half Moon Street
He lives on 13 Half Moon Street
He’s got a really unpleasant streak
He was hurt in love before
And now he won’t commit at
All to you
He needs someone new
He gets tired of conversation
With girls he only really wants to screw
So now it seems your out of luck
You just weren’t a good enough…
I don’t love you any more
Won’t you stop knocking on my door (x3)
I don’t love you any more
Won’t you just leave me alone?!
She works upon the 13th floor
She’s got a body that you’d die for\
Even though she’s not in love
She thinks about it
Everyday and in every way
But she’s not met Mr Right
Cuz she’s not Miss Right Now
So it seems your out of luck
You should’ve given your boyfriend a…
I don’t love you any more
Won’t you stop knocking on my door (x3)
I don’t love you any more
Won’t you just leave me alone?!
I woke up late for an appointment at the bank. It was a stupid thing to happen, but it summed up where I’d reached in life at that point. Sleeping late, no structure, broke, down, broken.
I posted my status on Facebook as “Shoot me”, and 20 minutes later I had the song done. I really meant it too. If I had the choice then I would like to have never existed at all, but that is ironic as that is the truth of the matter! Being a Buddhist can be a hugely ironic way of life. I smile about it whenever I think about it. And whenever I feel down, which has been too much lately, I play this.
Fortunately, moods are like clouds in the sky, they just pass by. I don’t let it bother me on a deeper level. It’s certainly uncomfortable to be down, but like Luangta would say at the temple, “Never mind”.
Shoot me
Shoot me on sight if you see me
I want to be put out of my misery
Shoot me on sight if you see me
I want to be put out of my misery
Today today today
Such a shitty little day
(x2)
and it’s because of me
I’m in your sights
Pull the trigger
Blow my brains out
Make this soul fly away
I hate the pain that I’m feeling today
Shoot me, shoot me
Make it go away
Just perfect. Really. I’m not sure I can better this.
When I hear this I always think of a stage with people in pink bunny suits spinning around, shades of violet and green, fake hedges made of cardboard, and a shaft of moonlight shining into the darkness. Like an enchanted forest.
Thankyou Casio. Though it might have been a Yamaha, it was a long time ago.
There used to be a man in my street who kept the perfect front lawn. Once, we were playing football and the ball rolled across his lawn and he took the ball and wouldn’t give it back! I told him it was stealing, and he was defeated, and handed the ball back grudgingly. Proper English bully of the Conservative sort.
My brother and his friends called him Grouser Green.
This song goes in the collection titled “The Farcical Fame of Farquar D’Amour and his Fabulous Friends”. You can’t tell at all that I was listening to a lot of the Kinks. It’s really my version of Phenomenal Cat.
Yes it is me singing.
Grouser Green
Grouser Green
Waters his garden
But he’s unaware of
The hosepipe ban
He’ll swear in court he
Didn’t know
Mr Sun
Has parched his front lawn
He’s about to have a
Heart attack
Get a doctor and a hose
Then one day
He sailed away
Took a boat to a
Foreign shore
Grew a garden in the shade
Where it never rained
La la la, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Oooh oooh eeeweee ooooh
Grouser Green
Is in his back garden
Planting azalias out into brigades
He’ll win the war against
Next door
His garden’s lovely
It’s such a delight
He thinks he’s found the
Secret to life
He’ll be eternally grumpy
La la la, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la
Oooh oooh eeeweee ooooh
Heh heh, he’ll enjoy that dig.